Misconceptions about autism and relationships
Reflecting on the podcast I recorded with Jodi Rodgers on June 23rd, one of the biggest misconceptions people have regarding Autistic people that stood out to me was that Autistic people seem to feel no love or emotion or have any desire for a romantic connection. But that is obviously false.
Everyone desires some form of human connection whether we are Autistic or not. Humans are a social species. That form of connection could be either friendship or a romantic relationship but it all depends on the person. Some individuals may identify as asexual which describes someone as having no desire for romance but friendship. Personally, I have craved romantic connection since I became an adult. Some people desire romance and others don’t. But this has nothing to do with being Autistic.
How Love on the Spectrum shaped my views on dating and connection
I discussed my time on Love on the Spectrum (LOTS) during the podcast episode. I would say the experience helped shape my views on dating because what I originally hoped to find was a woman with characteristics similar to those from 19th century England. A proper, poised and polite type. But over time, I began to realise that women don’t conform to society as opposed to back then as they have the freedom to be whoever and whatever they wish to be.
I also learnt that nobody is perfect. Everyone has flaws in relationships which is a normal part of life. All I knew was I desired a woman with good character, good morals and values, emotional intelligence but also easygoing. Those traits can still be found in women today. At the start of LOTS, I wanted someone that can’t be found. Now, five years later, my mindset had changed from that to desiring someone with the traits listed above that would love me and vice versa. I have actually been in a committed relationship now for nine months.
Does being Autistic change how you relate to others in a romantic or social setting
As a person on the spectrum, I characterise as being brutally honest. This can be seen as a common trait among Autistic people. In some cases, its true and others, not quite. During childhood I wasn’t craving social connections as I was not interested at the time. As years passed, that changed. In high school, I began to experience wanting to connect with others and as I got into my adult years, my desire for social connections increased to the point of being insatiable. Before LOTS, I felt neglected by most my friends from school because they had many commitments, it wasn’t a great feeling. After appearing on the show, I began to make new friends through various means. Looking back, I’m grateful for those new connections as true friends stick by you even if they become busy. Also, my mother was always teaching me to become a social person. Her efforts certainly paid off as I became a social butterfly in time.
In romantic settings, I like to make sure the woman was enjoying herself. If she wasn’t I believed I was at fault. That was a belief that was unfair to me. I am more comfortable around women and thus have more female friends because they are naturally kinder and are comfortable talking about feelings on a deeper level and I enjoy those types of conversation. Everyone loves love, right? For one, I do.
Challenges and strengths of dating as an Autistic person
Some of the challenges I found during dating were in my hometown where everyone knows everybody, I had difficulty trying to find someone to date. While some people are lucky to find a partner in their hometown, I wasn’t one of them. I dated a few people in Wollongong but it didn’t work out. However, I never let that stop me, I was determined to find someone to date whatever way worked out even if it was online. I tried a few dating apps but they weren’t much help either. As a person on the spectrum I definitely had faced challenges during dating.
The strengths I faced in dating was that it helped me to continue improving myself, being persistent and changing my mindset of what I originally wanted in a partner.
A reflection on rejection: how to process it and move forward with confidnece
In dating, rejection is a real thing. It can be an unpleasant feeling, it can discourage you from dating completely. On the flip side, it can make you realise; if you’re rejected by someone, that person may not be the right fit for you. I experienced that during dating myself. It makes me feel down for a very brief time and I keep moving forward. That is the healthiest way to tackle rejection. Looking back, the lesson is that it’s the universe helping you dodge a bullet and save you for the right person for you.
What does a healthy and respectful relationship look like
For me, a healthy and respectful relationship is important to me because there is trust, stability, transparency, strong communication and a lot of love. The best relationship may not be perfect but it is definitely happy, healthy and stable. That is the highest bar we can set while also staying true to reality. Everyone wants those things in a relationship because they contribute to a relationship that can last for years. It just requires work from both parties.
Dating apps and online platforms – do they work for Autistic people?
Regarding dating apps, they usually aren’t designed for Autistic people and can also be used to catfish people. Autistic people are particularly vulnerable in this case as they can be too trusting of others.
That is why there is a new dating app designed for Autistic people called WABLE. The name comes from a combination of willing and able. WABLE is for finding friendships and romantic connections and the app has an in-app psychologist who gives tips on all things dating, a job board for inclusive workplaces and a venue map of accessible venues for users.
Open conversations: love, sex and relationships
I believe it’s important for Autistic people to openly discuss sex, love and relationships because they are normal parts of adult life. They can’t be kept in the dark about it as when Autistic people become adults, the autism doesn’t go away. It’s with you for life. Autistic or not, people have to be taught about intimacy and why it’s important to discuss them openly. If they don’t they will be left clueless on what to do or what is happening.
My best advice
Some of the best advice I can give to people who are starting out in dating are:
- Don’t change who you are
- Just be yourself
- Don’t let rejection discourage you
- There are plenty of people in the world who could be for you, even if it doesn’t seem that way
- Don’t put a timeframe on finding someone
- Don’t get your hopes too high because you could be setting yourself up for disappointment
